Welcome to My Beauty Editor Era
Introducing The Hot Girl Protocol
I make my bed every single morning, and I’ve done so for at least the last ten years. I have a strict skincare routine. My sink is rarely ever filled with dishes, and my Google Calendar is meticulously color-coded.
But things weren’t always this way. I used to be a messy, forgetful disaster.
If I had a nickel for every time a teacher told me, “If only you would apply yourself,” I would be a gazillionaire. I rarely ever did my homework. I forgot about book reports and science projects until the night before, if I remembered at all. And my school desk? Remember the ones with the cubbyhole underneath for your books? It was jammed with crumpled sheets of loose-leaf paper and unsharpened pencils.
My bedroom almost always had laundry, dirty and clean, piled in every corner, and a wastebasket that was overflowing.
In high school, while most of my friends showed up with straight-ironed hair and Abercrombie outfits they laid out the night before, I’d throw on school-branded sweatpants and coat my lashes with expired mascara in the passenger seat of my mom’s car.
In my first few years as a makeup artist, I’d show up to the Macy’s beauty department in a boring outfit: black T-shirt, black jeans, black booties, no accessories (yikes), with my hair slicked back in a pony because I’d only wake up with enough time to prioritize my makeup.
In my mid-twenties, things started to slowly shift. Maybe it had something to do with the passion I had for my job at the time. I was working at MAC Cosmetics and desperately wanted a promotion. I think it was also around the time when Sophia Amoruso’s Girlboss came out. I devoured the book in a few days. I knew I wanted to live an extraordinary life, so I had to step things up.
So I started with things like making the bed and tidying up my bedroom every day. I noticed how much more cozy and relaxed I felt at night before bed. I started planning my outfits for work with intention and leaving extra time to curl my hair. My colleagues and supervisors responded to me differently, and I went on to receive three promotions in three years.
Making the bed and getting fully dressed for work are hardly accomplishments, but for someone who grew up kinda lazy, it was a big deal for me. And these days, the thought of passing out in my makeup or forgetting to take my vitamins gives me goosebumps.
I’ve picked up and put down so many habits, routines, and products over the last few years without committing for long enough to see any real benefit. Some of the things I’ve inconsistently tried include gua sha, dry brushing, oil pulling, morning pages, meditation, walking 10,000 steps a day, wrinkle patches, drinking enough water, breathwork, acupressure mats, hair oiling, jumping on a trampoline, and eating enough protein. You get the point.
But in the midst of trying something new, I’d get distracted like a squirrel and go running toward it in the other direction.
The last few years have been a dark night of the soul. I’ve lost my job, gained weight, gone viral on TikTok, started and closed an online coaching business, worked a few shitty jobs, moved from New York to Florida, and gotten married… just to name a few things. My life has changed in so many ways, and I’ve done more soul-searching than a person needs to do in their entire lifetime just in the last five years.
And sometimes that soul-searching involved habits, products, routines, and practices recommended to me through a viral piece of content. I was so desperate to find the solution to my chaos that I was willing to believe something like drinking more bone broth or learning to pull my tarot cards would fix my life. I’ve collected so many tools and resources over the last five years, but I can’t honestly say I’ve given any of them a fair shot at “working.”
I’m at a point in my life where I feel mostly good day-to-day. I’ve started to lose weight. I’m freelancing as a social media manager, and I’m consistently posting over here in my little corner of Substack. I’ve taken a lot of pressure off myself to live perfectly and overload my days with never-ending habits.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious. Is it possible that if I gave some of these things a significant amount of time to work, they would actually change me? Even though I’m not living my dream life yet, I’m hell-bent on getting there. And I think the level at which a person commits to their self-care and habits can be a direct reflection of how successful they are.
I’m not sure I’ve ever actually reached a New Year’s resolution. In the last few years, I stopped making them altogether. But I’m realizing that we’re doing resolutions all wrong. We can’t control the exact number on the scale or the dollar amount in our checking account. We can only control the habits and routines necessary to get us closer to those goals. So that’s what I’m committing to.
Introducing…
The Hot Girl Protocol, a CHEEKY Substack series.
They say you need 21 days to start a habit, so each month, for at least 21 days, I’ll commit to a new routine, try a new product, or implement a new practice. Then I’ll report back with my no-bullshit review, and ultimately decide if it’s something I’ll stick to for the long haul.
Prior to going to makeup school and becoming a makeup artist, I had a little beauty blog. I only posted a handful of times, but I thought I’d have a career reviewing products and doing makeup tutorials. This was in 2010, before blogging and content creation were considered real work. I was discouraged from pursuing this endeavor by my pretentious SoHo beauty school instructors, but I can’t say I ever stopped wanting to share my recommendations online.
Am I the only one who’s been feeling super nostalgic for beauty magazines lately? I know they still exist, but not in the same way they once did. I sometimes wonder if, in another life – one where I did well in school and didn’t drop out of college – I might have ended up working as a beauty writer for Glamour magazine or something like that. So, selfishly, this will also be a fun way to live out that dream.
It’s important to note that we are living in the age of mass consumerism, influencer culture, and new-age spirituality. Part of the reason I’ve tried and bought so many things is because I was the perfect victim. Being sad, fat, and unemployed can make you desperate. And being desperate helps you rationalize swiping your credit card.
I think we’re all sick of buying shit we don’t need, so I promise to make my reviews as honest as possible. My reviews will not always involve a product. Oftentimes, I’ll be solely adopting a habit. If I do share a product, I may include an affiliate link, which I’ll do my best to disclose every single time.
I’ll be starting in January. Let’s get hotttt.
PS – The reviews themselves will be free to read, but paying subscribers will have access to exclusive perks: tutorials, video footage, voice notes, photos, and behind-the-scenes content. I’ll also be reserving the chat and comments section for paid subs.
Your first year of a paid subscription is only $40. This promo will end on December 31, so get in now 🩷
I am in love with this idea and so so excited to see if anything lymphatic (even for 2 minutes a day) is helpful and worth keeping in your daily arsenal.