The TikTok dating gurus (and their mental gymnastics) are keeping you single

Rigid rules, toxic advice, and the never-ending lists that lead to nowhere.

Last month, TikToker Jillian Lavin shared how her boyfriend of over three years broke up with her in a note shortly after she uprooted her life in LA to move to Texas for him. Channeling her heartbreak into art, she produced a catchy song about the experience that went viral. The comments were a mix of support and solidarity, with many women sharing similar stories of heartbreak. But others began speculating: Was there another woman in Texas? Was he running away from her by moving there? 

It didn’t take long for TikTok’s dating gurus to smell the blood, and attack like piranhas, turning her vulnerability into a cautionary tale and using her experience to preach their "rules" for commitment.

“Boyfriends aren’t husbands. Don’t build your life around someone who hasn’t actually committed to you.”

“this is why you don’t compromise without a ring.”

“Ladiessssss this is why you NEVER do this much for a man. Girlie you’re gonna find someone better and glow up without him.”

Whether Lavin ignored red flags and misread the relationship, we’ll never know. But the comments revealed a common belief: that heartbreak can be avoided by following a set of rules. As if an engagement ring, marriage, or children has ever stopped men from being men. 

Dating rules are nothing new, with self-help books about relationships gaining widespread popularity in the early 90s. When I was fifteen I stole my mom’s copy of Why Men Love Bitches. As a boy-crazy teenager, who grew up with a single mother, I’d already found myself jaded by dating. I devoured the book over a summer weekend, desperate to make my crush of the week love me. But I quickly learned that “Rule Number 4: Don’t Be Too Available” is irrelevant if he doesn’t care if you live or die. Despite being able to teach a grad-level class on the subject, I wasn’t the best student of the material. Finding it impossible to be anything other than myself, I continued for the next ten-ish years making every dating mistake humanly possible— wearing my heart on my sleeve, centering the men in my life, and my favorite dating faux-pas, having a one-night-stand with the man that became my husband. 

I’ve been through the wringer– an abusive relationship, being cheated on, being used for sex– all the unfortunate things most modern single women experience in their twenties. I’ve given all of myself to the wrong people and ignored my intuition more times than I can count. But despite doing it all wrong, I found myself in a healthy relationship that other women couldn't help but remark on. It seemed I’d figured it out, so I launched a dating blog and eventually became a certified dating coach. 

In a few short months, following a viral video, I amassed a TikTok audience of over 80,000. Invites for podcasts and sponsorships poured in, and I even auditioned for a reality show about dating coaches after being approached by a producer who found me through one of my videos. But eventually, the attention died down, and the client list dwindled. I’m not sure the TikTok girlies wanted what I was offering–level-headed dating tips devoid of games, rules, and manipulation tactics. 

Back then, young women swore by Tinx’s “Box Theory” and Alex Cooper’s pathologically bad advice—“Cheat or be cheated on.” Buzzwords like “feminine energy,” “hypergamy,” and “High-Value Woman” were impossible to escape. Dating and sex became less about connection and more about strategy. Women started dating on the defense, and I fear it’s only getting worse. Sometimes, I wonder if women are even physically attracted to the men they date anymore. As long as he checks off a criteria list as long as your arm, what could possibly go wrong… right?

It’s impossible not to notice that the most rigid rules and toxic advice online often come from single women. They exude an aura of superiority, suggesting their singleness is a result of being more selective and having higher standards than everyone else. I’m all for examining dating behaviors and agree that many women could benefit from raising their standards—it’s crucial. But I can’t help wondering if their singleness has less to do with impossibly high standards and more to do with an unwillingness to take risks, like getting hurt along the way.  

Live a little. 

Here’s the thing: anything worth having in life comes with some level of risk. Whether it’s starting a business, moving to a new country, or asking for what you want, risk is the price you pay. While you should weigh the risks of any new adventure, I do worry that the never-ending list of rules has resulted in a generation of emotionally cold, perpetually single women. “Never text first” and be sure not to “give too much,” having your guard up is a badge of honor, but at what price?

Take it from me—someone married to a good human despite not following the rules. I’ve also consumed and created more dating content than the average person, and I’m here to tell you: no rules will ever prevent heartbreak. Sure, you can analyze your patterns and habits to avoid repeating mistakes. But you can’t game your way to a healthy relationship.

I’m sorry to say it, but your annoying aunt is probably right—it kinda does happen when you least expect it. When you’re too busy living your life and taking care of yourself to care about the rules. When you accept that a partner is not a birthright, nor something you’re entitled to, but a beautiful addition to an already beautiful life. And when you focus on allowing only kind, mature, and emotionally intelligent people into your life, there’s no need to bribe anyone into giving you the commitment you deserve. No dangling carrots or gentle-parenting dusty men to get what you want.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being single. But if you’re single and don’t want to be, I’m merely suggesting that you unclench your butt cheeks and take a breath. Toss the rule book into the fire. Focus on listening to your intuition, and maybe delete TikTok for a bit.

You can submit your questions to my advice column here. 

If you wanna stalk eachother be friends on Instagram, follow me @kristina_nasti