You're not single because you're special.

Are single women in their 30s no better than incels?

“Guys are intimidated by me.”
“They can’t handle me.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

This was the shit that would come out of my mouth when I was a single twenty-something. In my smug little brain, I thought I was special (I mean, I am special, but that’s irrelevant here). I felt that other girls around me were in relationships because they were basic. “Simpletons” is what a friend of mine called them. But not me. I was just so different and cool. Guys were scared by different and cool. They wanted girls who bake sourdough and shop at Lilly Pulitzer. Those girls don’t have brains like me, right?

Wrong.

Without needing a lobotomy or becoming a Swiftie, I met an amazing man. I was wearing a distressed Led Zeppelin tee and a leather skirt. I was taking shots of tequila and dragged him outside the club while I smoked cigarettes. I married the dude.

Have I become a Simpleton, or was it just my time to meet the right guy?

Lately, there’s been this common sentiment among single women in their 30s that I just can’t quite escape on my TikTok FYP. It’s the idea that if you’re single and everyone else around you is partnered up, then it must be because your standards are so much higher than everyone else’s. It’s because all the other women around you are mindless, boring, easy women who settle for the first guy that looks at them.

And while yeah, I’m sure that’s the case for some people, I can’t help but feel like single women in their 30s are on their way to becoming the next incel. But instead of hating men, they also hate women.

In a past life, I became a dating coach. And when I say “in a past life,” I actually mean, like… three years ago. Societal conditioning had me believe that I cracked some code. That I did something “right.” I was hopeless in the love department until I wasn’t, and everyone around me commented on what a beautiful relationship I had. So I did what I do best… tried to monetize it! I’d hop on TikTok to teach women how to finally attract the man of their dreams. I believed that if you were single and didn’t want to be, then you had to be doing something wrong.

And sometimes that’s the case. Maybe you’re not putting yourself out there, or your bad-boy “type” is holding you back. Maybe you’re emotionally unavailable, so you’re attracting emotionally unavailable guys.

But then I sat back and really reflected on things, and I couldn’t help but call bullshit on myself. Spoiler alert: I’m no longer a dating coach.

You see, I think that being partnered up is not something that anyone is entitled to. Just like being born with great tits or rich parents, I think finding a good partner is often about luck. Sure, you can increase your chances of finding the right person by raising your standards, honing in on your aesthetic, and putting yourself out there. But sometimes it’s just about being at the right place at the right time.

We’re all about girl power and hyping up other women, until it comes to the area of relationships. Maybe your high school frenemy didn’t settle. Maybe her standards aren’t lower than yours. Maybe, and I’m sorry if I sound super woo-woo here, she was just destined to find success in a relationship, and you incarnated into your meat sack to find success in your career.

Maybe your standards aren’t sOoOoOo high, and you’re not “too intimidating.” Maybe your breath smells or something! Maybe you’re super annoying. Maybe you talk over people or are condescending. But maybe, MOST LIKELY, you’re perfect, and it’s just not your time. You have simply not found your person yet. It’s not that deep.

And no, having a boyfriend is not embarrassing. Don’t even get me started on that one. Relationship statuses are not trends.

So while I didn’t become a Simpleton to find a husband, I did change one tiny thing. I bought some sage, cleansed my whack-ass energy, and stopped being a hater. I started third-wheeling a bit more. I got to know my friends’ partners and became friends with them too. Most of them are like brothers to me. I never missed a moment to express joy for my friends and their happiness.