Hey girls (and gays. I assume no one else is reading this, right?),
The thing that I love most about myself is also the thing that I’m most insecure about, and that’s my ability to change my mind. To switch lanes, burn my life down, and rebuild a new one very regularly.
I’m almost 35 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I know I want to create. I know I don’t want to work a 9–5. I know I want freedom and flexibility and I want to be really fucking rich… eventually. If you give me a life rule, I’m most definitely going to break it. I don’t care that I should own a house by now or have more money in retirement. I don’t care that my resumé doesn’t make any sense or that I don’t have a Real Job.
And yeah, I like this about myself. I like that societal pressure doesn’t usually weigh on me or sway my decisions too much. But lately, I am starting to feel a little weighed down. I wish I were the type of person who could weigh the pros and cons, make decisions based on research, and have a 10-year plan. Shit, I wish I had a six-month plan.
But I need to try. I need to fail. I need to do things that scare me and embarrass me and probably make people in my life talk behind my back or speculate about me. What’s this bitch up to now? I wish I were a little more responsible and wanted a simpler, regular life. But I don’t.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I am a bit of a Disney adult. I moved closer to the Florida parks earlier this summer and dipped my toe into posting Disney content, only to find out that it wasn’t for me. For a while, I thought I had finally found my groove. I was receiving a lot of great feedback, and I was being more consistent in my creative pursuits than I have been in a while. But the last time I went to Epcot, I decided not to film, and I was relieved. And I realized that my happy place (drinking around the World Showcase) should not be accompanied by a fucking tripod.
In one way or another, I’ve been pursuing a career in social media since 2018, and I have nothing to show for it. I’ve gone viral a few times. I’ve made a couple of bucks. But it hasn’t provided the career I thought it would. Social media is making me increasingly anxious. It’s adding an increasing amount of pressure on me, and I’m kind of over it. I’ve posted videos that have had millions of views, and felt empty inside. The only time I feel connected to my purpose or accomplished is when I hit publish on Substack. And I have less than 300 subscribers!
But I’m sad to admit it’s the thing I’ve been giving the least amount of attention to lately. It’s the thing I avoid the most. Which means it’s probably the thing I need the most. If I weren’t a freelance social media manager, I would probably delete the apps altogether. I’m thinking of logging off my personal accounts for a while and seeing if the anxiety and pressure subside.
There’s so much I want to share. There are so many reflections I have about life, but it just doesn’t seem to want to come out right, and that’s okay for now. I’ll sit in this period of reflection.
I’m realizing that the things I need to be focused on right now are cleaning house things. Like actually having a clean and organized home, finally finishing decorating our new apartment. Hunkering down and getting back on my weight loss journey because it’s been stalled for a few months. Getting back into my meditation practice and finally finishing The Artist’s Way. These are the things that matter most right now. I’m just in a season of wanting to feel cozy and grounded and creative.
I always wanted to be kind of famous, and I do think that’s a trauma response. I think people who don’t feel seen or understood as kids look for that sort of attention as adults. And now with social media, anybody can become famous overnight, and I think I might need to let that go.
For now, I’m holding onto the belief that I can still live a creative, flexible, freedom-based life outside of traditional social media.
Love you,
Kristina
PS — Your girl is trying to get her bag while keeping a flexible schedule. If you or anyone you know is looking for a creative virtual assistant or social/content support, I’m currently open to taking on one or two new clients. DM me or email me at kristina@readcheeky.com.
Just yes to this whole thing. 🖤🖤🖤