Runner's regret and writer's block.

35 days away from my first (and probably last) 5k.

hey babes,

I’m 35 days away from this stupid runDisney 5K I signed up for, and I’m having regrets. I’ve never been a cardio girl, aside from dancing, so I knew I had to train. My goal was to get to race day and be able to slowly jog the entire 3.1 miles without needing to stop for walk breaks. It seems like a good measure of cardiovascular health — being able to run for three measly miles.

I’m nowhere close to doing it. I won’t get there. It’s not happening.

My bum-ass knee — the one that was always messed up from dancing competitively as a kid — started acting up around training week three. I thought it was a good idea to add dance classes into my exercise rotation to get extra cardio on non-run days. Bad idea. My knee did not like that.

After ten days off, I got back into it more slowly and with my knee held together by kinesiology tape, and I can still only manage short intervals of walking and running. I hate every minute of it.

If I was running alone, I probably wouldn’t care. Lots of people walk the entire thing. But my cousin and his husband are joining me, and they’re being trained by some psycho who runs marathons, and now I’ll just have to let them leave me in the dust so I don’t hold them back.

My friends who do all the runDisney events tell me I’ll be hooked, that I’ll eventually do a half marathon. I disagree. I might be the only person who does a 5K and thinks, cool, I don’t have to do that again.

Who are these freaks that get runner’s high, and where can I get some? I only have runner’s anger, runner’s regret, runner’s disdain.

And before you ask, yes, I have the right shoes. I’m eating enough protein and carbs. I’m not running too fast, and I know it’s mental and blah blah blah. Go away. I hate it.

I had this bright idea that while I was training for this horrible race, I would also join a 40 Days to Personal Revolution program. I completed this at my old yoga studio in 2013, and it changed my life. I broke up with an abusive partner, lost fifteen pounds, developed a meditation practice, and connected deeper to myself.

My current yoga studio doesn’t offer the program, so when I saw a virtual version available with the founder, I joined instantly. In the program, you do yoga six days a week, meditate twice a day, meet with a group twice a week, and complete shadow-work-type journaling exercises.

I was desperate to recreate the success I had with it thirteen years ago, but it was too much to take on with race training. Plus, I’m so sick of Zoom meetings with groups of people who only want to hear themselves talk.

I stopped after week three.

It’s embarrassing how typical this is — going into a new year guns blazing, only to crash and burn shortly after. To be fair, I haven’t had a New Year’s resolution in years. I was so down in the dumps and hopeless for like five whole years that I didn’t even bother setting a single goal.

But this isn’t giving up. It’s reevaluating.

I already do lots of yoga and get my steps in. I’m more active at 35 than I was at 15. It’s okay for me to just settle into that and focus on areas I’m avoiding… like writing.

Almost everything I post on Substack has been written in less than three hours. I ghost the platform for 10–14 days and then publish something when I have a creative surge of energy. I don’t write every day, and if I write once a week, that’s a good week.

I so desperately want to be one of those people who has a writing practice, who takes this seriously. I love this platform. I feel so accomplished and good about everything I publish, so why is it like pulling teeth to just sit down and write?

When I think about why I avoid it, I know it’s because I’m afraid to put out “bad” writing. I know I’m not the best writer. I’m okay with not being the best writer. I just don’t want to be the worst, you know?

I don’t write beautiful prose, and I think you can very obviously hear the Staten Island college dropout in my writing.

But is that such a bad thing?

I see the Substack Notes of people joking about how they have multiple drafts they never post, and I’m just like howwww? Do I need to take yet another whack at The Artist’s Way? Meditate more? What’s it gonna take to get over this?

Unlike the running thing, I won’t yell at you if you give me tips in the comments.

On a positive note, I now have NINE (!!!) paying subscribers to CHEEKY. I suspect my new series, Hot Girl Protocol, is to thank for the recent jump.

In case you missed it, Hot Girl Protocol is where I try a practice, habit, ritual, etc. for 21–30 days and report back. It’s completely free to read, but any extras like interviews with experts or bonus resources are reserved for paying subscribers.

I’m prepping for the next one now, where I’ll be getting fully dressed for 30 days. Yes, even though I work from home. But it goes much deeper than that, and the expert I interviewed is an absolute badass friend of mine.

In the meantime, be sure to read the last installment where I try manual lymphatic drainage for 30 days.

I did lymphatic drainage every day for a month.

Now I’m off to Magic Kingdom for the day and then Detroit for the weekend. My husband is turning 40 tomorrow, so I’m meeting him on his business trip.

Enjoy the photos below of the Sopranos-themed birthday party I threw for him last weekend!

we didn't realize the satriale's sign was full of typos until the party was over 🥴

love u!