Maybe I AM judging people on Ozempic
I want to be a skinny, pretty scammer like Caroline Calloway.
Let’s get one thing straight: I know everything I’m about to say is a Me Problem, and yes, I’m going to come off like a bitter, jealous fatty.
Welcome to my September recap hormonal rant.
I’ve spent the last month dodging Ozempic (and all the Ozempic-adjacent) ads and content. The tune of "Oh, oh, oh, OZEMPIC" has officially ruined Jeopardy commercial breaks. Hers compounded semaglutide, “for as little as $199 per month,” assaults me via YouTube ads. Already-thin influencers pop up on my feed, looking skinnier than ever.
I was tricked into thinking that self-acceptance was a natural result of hitting my thirties, only to realize the body-positivity movement was ripped away from us before we even got a chance to get on board. I’ve never stopped wanting to lose weight, and I’ve never been all that body-positive, but as I got older, it became more about health and how I feel rather than how I look. After yo-yo dieting for over 15 years, I finally deleted the WW app and got off the hamster wheel.
At my heaviest weight ever, I was the happiest I’ve ever been and more confident than I was 40 pounds lighter. But these days? I’m regressing. I’m back to 15-year-old me—daydreaming about a thigh gap and wishing I had the courage to stick my fingers down my throat. I feel stupid for thinking we millennial women had made some silent pact to not get sucked into this utter bullshit anymore. Weren’t we all supposed to face our demons and figure out why we have these problems with food and our bodies in the first place?
I feel betrayed. Left out to dry. Left out in general.
“I’m not judging anyone on Ozempic.” I’ve lied through my teeth more times than I can count. And honestly, “judging” isn’t even the right word. I’m salty. I’m confused. I’m annoyed. I spent the last four years fixing the damage caused by being on birth control for half my life. I won’t even get Botox, so how hypocritical would it be to inject myself with something that doesn’t fix the root of my food issues? Maybe I’m cutting off my nose to spite my fat.
We’re all grownups here, so I shouldn’t have to spell out the nuance of this topic—or worry about who’s offended. Please, read between the lines.
I have a scammer obsession
After watching Burn Book: I Fell for Caroline Calloway’s Never-Ending Scam by D’Angelo Wallace, I fell down a Caroline Calloway rabbit hole. Prior to this, I had no idea who she was. She spent her early twenties documenting her Cambridge University days while I spent mine getting drunk at the Jersey Shore. Safe to say, I wasn’t really her demo.
After watching the video, I should’ve been disgusted and turned off. Instead, I became kinda obsessed. She’s a little shitty, but also a marketing genius. I get the hype. I really do. The irony of not judging Calloway, but judging Ozempic-takers isn’t lost on me, lol.
Similar to last month’s true crime obsession, I needed more scammer content and binge-watched The Dropout, Bad Vegan, and Inventing Anna. There’s something so seductive about the IDGAF attitude, something I don’t have. I’m so morally sound it drives me insane, and there’s a part of me that wishes I could just say “fuck it” and be selfish for a while.
But I think you have to be hotter to pull that off—no one’s letting me scam anyone in this state. Maybe Ozempic is the answer after all!
Am I getting old, or do things just suck right now?
I’ve been rewatching Sex and the City, and I realized I was too young when it originally aired to fully appreciate it. I caught reruns out of order on E! years later, but now, I’m giving it a proper watch-through, and let me tell you—it’s not overrated in the slightest. New York City in the 90s, before 9/11 and $4,000 rent? It makes me want to smoke cigarettes in a bar while wearing a $7 vintage dress with $300 shoes. What a time to be alive.
New tab: It wasn’t until I started writing this that I realized how much TV I’ve binged this month. I’m kind of embarrassed, but do I need to remind you again that I’m trying to lose weight??!! I’m watching all this on the walking pad, duh.
Also, I dyed my hair pink again, and I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.
Other pieces I’ve written this month:
A few Substack pieces I enjoyed this month:
Submit your question to my advice column here.
If you wanna stalk eachother be friends on Instagram, follow me @alignwithkristina
Love you (even if you’re on Ozempic)
I HEAR you here big time. There have got to be nasty side effects lurking with this Ozempic craze, but in the mean time it is rough seeing everyone shrink. I am also outwardly repulsed and ultimately jealous.
Additionally, the Caroline Calloway of it all - I'm always just about to unfollow her for good, but I can't stop buying her books. Because it'll be years before I see a tracking number, I feel like I have to keep eyes on the situation.
I know people who use Ozempic and don't lose weight. I worked as a physician for twenty-seven years. When someone carries extra weight, it's usually because they are insulin resistant.
After considering Ozempic, I looked at natural options. I"m using organic Chlorella powder. It only takes 1/2 teaspoon a day to do what I need it to do. And it's inexpensive.
I agree that it's aggravating to see super skinny people who take Ozempic to lose weight. If they stop the injections, they will regain those pounds. The reason Ozempic works on some people is it's a drug that regulates blood sugar. Control blood sugar and you have won half the battle.