Is it anti-feminist to shave your bush?

The Cheek 019: RIP cave women, you would’ve loved everything showers.

Nothing pisses people off more than you romanticizing the place they hate living in.

I saw a woman on Instagram say she’s moving from Las Vegas to the Cotswolds, and people in the comments were acting like she committed a hate crime. Predictably, some people who probably never left the Cotswolds complained about how awful the winter weather and mud are, as if the dry summer heat in Vegas is somehow more idyllic.

But most commenters assumed she was a rich American coming in to destroy and take over with her wealth, while others accused her of moving there because she watched The Holiday too many times. First of all, it took me all of five seconds to click on her page and learn that she’s originally from the UK and decided to move back. Secondly, The Holiday is THE Christmas movie. I think anyone who’s watched it has considered, for a brief moment, moving to the Cotswolds to find their own Jude Law to have sex with next to a fireplace.

I get it, everyone’s being priced out of everywhere. My mom moved us from Brooklyn to Staten Island as kids because it was the only way she could afford to buy a house. Part of the reason I moved to Florida is that the cost of living in New York City is insane. It’s like we’re all just shifting around the globe. It’s a vicious cycle where you can’t afford where you live, so you move somewhere more affordable only to push out the people who live there, and then they move somewhere even more affordable, and the cycle continues.

While this is all valid, some people are just annoying and think it’s a personal attack to enjoy something they hate. I live twenty minutes from Disney World and have an annual pass. Many native Floridians—and honestly most sane people—think it’s weird or uncool to go to Disney so much. And I think you’re bat-shit if you love Times Square, but if you’re from rural Appalachia or something and it inspired you to move to the big city, more power to ya! You won’t catch me commenting annoying stuff on your Instagram post about it. It’s cool that you found beauty in the thing I started taking for granted.

The bad news is bullying works, and the good news is that bullying bullies works, too.

Speaking of annoying comments!! A video of mine was going viral last week, so naturally, I got no less than ten mean comments about my teeth on TikTok. I usually delete mean comments or ignore them. Occasionally I’ll hit them with a “your mother should’ve swallowed you” or “you’re a virgin,” but enough is enough.

Is this what I look like? Be honest!

I was in luteal, so I crashed the fuck out and decided to fight back. First, I verbally accosted a gay DJ from New Jersey who looks like a fat Ellen DeGeneres. The next day I singled out a #girldad with pubes for facial hair. Like, bold of you to comment on someone’s appearance if you don’t look like Chris Hemsworth. Both videos resulted in these “men” deleting their original comments, which tickled me.

I never loved my teeth, but I thought they were just something I kinda hated and no one else noticed. Turns out, it’s apparently the first thing people see when they look at me? I feel like I’ve been walking around with ASSHOLE written on my forehead for 35 years and no one told me.

I just don’t understand why people can’t be normal and talk shit about me behind my back. If you absolutely must make fun of me, send my video to a friend (if you have any) and pop off, queen. Poking fun at someone’s appearance in a comments section is the online equivalent of a small child pointing out a cashier’s missing finger at the grocery store.

Anyway, I’ll be looking into fixing my teeth in the new year! Thanks, TikTok <3

Is it anti-feminist to shave your bush?

I follow this gorgeous grey-haired woman in her 50s on Instagram who speaks out about beauty standards. Grow out your grey hair! Don’t get Botox! Okay, I hear you, babe, but you’re also white, thin, and conventionally attractive. I often wonder how far her message would go if she were fugly. It’s giving Jameela Jamil, who I love, but it’s easy to judge people who get plastic surgery when you’re naturally a glamazon supermodel.

I’ve been thinking about how many beauty standards I like and abide by, even though I know lots of them are rooted in misogyny and pedophilia. I like waxing my brows and wearing makeup. I think my ass looks great in tight pants. I feel so much hotter with 50 less pounds of fat on my body. When I shave and my legs are silky smooth, I feel sexier. I know that the desire to have a tight, hairless body has creepy origins, but now that I know what it feels like to have those things, I can’t go back and you can’t make me! I’m sorry, but the cave women didn’t know what it feels like to do an Everything Shower™ before getting into bed with freshly-shaven, lotioned up legs and slipping around in their sheets while wearing a $12 sheet mask.

People on TikTok say Studies show that women who wear makeup earn more money than women who don’t. That sucks. It’s objectively unfair. But who has the time to dismantle beauty standards when they have bills to pay? I like wearing makeup almost as much as I love making money, so I’ll continue playing the game.

And if Invisalign is too expensive, maybe I’ll just move to the Cotswolds since imperfect teeth don’t seem to be a moral failure in England!

If you want to form a parasocial relationship with me, you can find me on Instagram and TikTok.