Dear Kristina #3: How Do I Handle My Intense Mother-In-Law?
Is it your responsibility to handle conflict with your in-laws?
Kristina,
Do you have advice on how to handle conflict better? The short story is that my MIL came at me with outright disapproval for a birthday party date because my SIL and BIL won’t be able to make it. I explained we have worked out with them and we’re cool and then explained every other reason I had for making the decision (which wasn't necessary but I felt I had to justify it) and she went into guilting me for not wanting them to be there which is the furthest from the truth. It was just nasty and I felt the urge to alleviate the situation lol I held my ground but I guess I’m wondering what I could have done differently, if anything. Any tips on navigating moms/mothers-in-law that are intense af?
As someone who’s been married for less than a year and whose in-laws are dead, I can’t say I’m a pro in the MIL department. However, I have a basic rule when it comes to family drama in a marriage: it’s your spouse’s responsibility to cultivate the respect and tone of your relationship with their family.
I hate to break it to you, but you should be less concerned about how to “navigate” your mother-in-law and more concerned about why she feels comfortable coming at you sideways. Once married, you’re a family unit, and it’s you and your spouse’s responsibilities to defend and protect each other from everyone—including parents and siblings. Does your partner have trouble defending you or setting boundaries with their family? That’s the real issue. Have a conversation tonight. Nip it in the bud ASAP. Their mommy issues cannot become your mommy-in-law issues. Understood?
Additionally, when it comes to intense convos with your mother-in-law, stand your ground while keeping your composure. Intense, argumentative people live for the drama. They want you to react—they get high on this shit. What’s lying beneath her assumption that you wouldn’t want your brother and sister-in-law in attendance? Sometimes all it takes is asking simple questions instead of immediately defending yourself. Try something like: “What’s given you the impression that I wouldn’t want them invited? Have I done something in the past that makes you think I don’t want them around?” Don’t listen on the defense—there might be something she hasn’t shared with you before. Be curious—it’s rare.
Conflict, in general, fucking sucks. There’s no way around it. And unless you’re one of those weirdos who likes to argue, it will always be difficult. But here’s a mindset shift that changed my life when it comes to conflict. Write this down: You can’t get into an argument if you don’t consent to one. You have to l i t e r a l l y reciprocate for something to turn into an argument. Don’t match attitude, tone of voice, or icky energy. Take a breath, be curious, and ignore the text for a while. You stay in control this way.
Most importantly, don’t let her see you sweat.
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