Dear Kristina #1: Am I Single Because I'm "Too Picky"?

TikTok dating coaches are causing single women in their 30s to spiral.

Kristina,

I keep stumbling across this rhetoric online about women in their 30s and how hypergamy & having a type is keeping women single, and it triggers me a lot. It makes me question what I’m looking for. I do have a very specific type of man that, uh, does it for me (think militarized Jason Statham). While I usually am fine just pushing aside unwelcome feedback about that, lately, I’ve been feeling a little spirally about it all, thinking the only way I’ll actually find a partner is by dating guys I’m not attracted to. Do you have any thoughts or advice?

A militarized Jason Statham does sound pretty hot. I get why that does it for you. Aside from that, any rules or restrictions in dating make me want to puke a little. Have a type, don’t have a type, wear red nail polish, no kissing until after three months—bleh. I can’t think of anything less sexy, less feminine, or less exciting than strategizing your love life. I can feel cobwebs forming down there just thinking about it.

Stop following social media accounts and coaches who tell you who to date. Coaches aren’t supposed to tell you what to do. They’re supposed to ask you the right questions to get you closer to your goals and guide you through your innate wisdom. I have to wonder if these dating coaches are just projecting their wounds and validating their own choices through their clients and followers. And, controversial—don’t take advice from dating coaches who are single, male, or have a framework of strict rules. Sorry!

As for having a type, I thought I’d end up with a guy who has dark features and tattoos covering his neck. I ended up with a golden retriever. I am so grateful, obsessed, and attracted to my husband that I feel bad for other women that he’s not available. He wasn’t my “type,” yet he is perfect for me. We met in a natural setting—getting shitfaced at brunch and sleeping together very quickly (hehe). If I’d seen him on an app, or if someone tried to set us up, I would’ve declined. That is sad and scary to consider, and that’s why dating apps were never really for me.

When I was on apps, I thought I was Adriana Lima and swiped left on everyone. Men are also notoriously bad at taking/accumulating good photos of themselves, which doesn’t help. In 2024, it’s unrealistic to say “get off the apps,” so I won’t do that. But, I will say you might need to find a balance between having an open heart and mind without sacrificing what you’re physically attracted to.

Militarized Jason Statham is pretty fucking specific, babe. Perhaps it’s a current hyperfixation? I do wonder if, when we have a strict type, we’re subconsciously self-sabotaging. Maybe having a type is a way for your brain to ensure you never find what you’re looking for, attached to a perfect excuse. It’s a type of emotional unavailability if you will.

I’m unsure, based on your question, if hypergamy is something you’re after or if the TikTok gurus have, once again, told you what you should want. I am incredibly wary of finances being brought into the dating conversation. Unless you have access to someone’s online banking, you will never know what’s going on behind the scenes. I’ve heard that, in Miami, it’s common for men to rent luxury cars to take women on dates. It’s arguably way cheaper to rent a Ferrari for a night than it is to buy one. We all know women whose husbands work and allow them to stay home with children, yet they feel trapped and controlled. Men could have gambling problems or piles of debt. They can fall ill or lose their investments. I’m not telling you to date broke guys or not have any financial awareness at all; I just don’t think it’s as simple as it’s made out to be.

I suspect that most dating coaches focused on hypergamy are acting out of trauma. The men want to feel needed and protect themselves from being left. The women grew up in poverty and wanted a better life or had access to daddy’s money, so there’s something to prove. Then they take their trauma, wrap it up in a bow, and sell it to other insecure people. That’s just my opinion. I’m not a research person.

Most importantly, work on trusting yourself. In my world, logic and strategy have no place in personal decision-making. Sorry if that’s too woo-woo for you, but you’ll find the most freedom and confidence when you start trusting your intuition. Also, reset your damn TikTok algorithm, because it doesn’t sound like the vibe.

Love you, mean it.

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