Becoming a c*nt.

The Cheek 018: On retiring my golden retriever ways and going viral on Substack.

Black cat energy.

I’ve decided to become a cunt, or at least a little cunty. Nothing bad happened, but I’m more of a golden retriever than I’d like to be. I wouldn’t call myself a pushover. I have healthy boundaries, and I’m no stranger to tough conversations. I’m just overly friendly, sometimes to the point where I suspect it comes across as fake. That energy isn’t always reciprocated, which often leaves me feeling rejected or offended. I’m extremely diplomatic and difficult to argue with, which is probably why I don’t end up in many arguments at all. Confrontation, even when I’m not directly involved, makes me anxious. And honestly, constantly measuring and crafting every word is exhausting.

I’m tired. I’m ready to be a black cat. I’ve been heavily inspired by Slavic and Parisian women on TikTok. Their discernment radiates a kind of sexy cuntiness I’d like to embody. I suspect this golden retriever syndrome might be a millennial issue. We were raised in toxic-positivity culture. My parents had me watch The Secret in high school, and I was conditioned to believe that every mean or ugly word would magically manifest into a mean or ugly life. Plus, our generation had to compensate for the Karens who came before us. I will never ask to speak to your manager.

Becoming a cunt doesn’t mean turning into Cruella de Vil. I won’t be picking fights out of thin air or reaching for low-hanging fruit, like pointing out someone’s cankles. But I do plan on being more selective and less pick-me about who gets my attention. I’m steering clear of people with jealous, weirdo behavior. And if you piss me off, I’ll write about you in my burn book. I’ll say the meanest, ugliest things that come to mind because it feels damn good to get them out of my system, and then I’ll move on with my life.

Also, I’ll be bringing back the smudgiest, sluttiest black eyeliner, because it feels appropriate.

You’re not the boss of me.

After years of thinking everyone but me knows what’s best for me, I’m finally so rooted in my own intuition that you can’t tell me shit. Every time I’ve outsourced my power or decision-making, every time I thought I needed a mentor or more education, every time I followed the rules, it was the wrong thing to do. So when I see people arguing in comment sections online or spewing cookie-cutter advice, I can’t help but roll my eyes. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your intuition might be right. Yes, even about the most controversial things, you know what’s best for you. Whether it’s quitting your job to join the circus, letting your kids have screen time, or realizing that the girl who gives you a pit in your stomach really is just a jealous weirdo, you’re probably right.

Telling people, women especially, to ignore their intuition? That’s the fucking patriarchy. It’s giving misogyny. It’s giving “I don’t mind my own business.” Like, god forbid you don’t trust everything you hear on the news or learn in school to guide you in the right direction.

Virality is over-hyped.

I had a Substack note go “viral” this week. It’s cool, I guess, but I’ve gone viral enough times on social media to know it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. If you went to my TikTok account right now, you’d see 74,000 followers. You might look at that number and assume I make a living from social media. But in the last year, I’ve only made $105 from the TikTok Creator Rewards Program.

My follower count is the result of maybe five to ten viral videos over the last five years. At one point, I had a silly video reach 11,000,000 views in 48 hours, which grew my account by 50,000 followers. I thought I had made it and would never need to work again. For a while, it was cool. I was asked to be on podcasts, gained a bunch of new leads on my email list, and was even asked to audition for a reality show. But over time, the views and followers dwindled, and now I have all these people following me who aren’t super invested.

When you go viral, you’re appealing to everyone. So even though my viral note had over 30k impressions and gained me 32 new free subscribers, the newsletter that followed only had 181 views. I’m sorry to report that the cliché is true: slow and steady really does win the race. Consistency beats out virality every single time.

PS: If you’re a new subscriber reading this, you better not unsubscribe now. I will write about you in my burn book.

Life lately…

If you’re not stalking me yet, what are you even doing? Find me on Instagram @kristina_nasti and TikTok @kristina_nasti