An open letter to slutty 20-something party girls

because everything fun in life gets you pregnant, fat, or arrested <3

Dear slutty 20-something party girl,

These are some of the best years of your life. Whether it’s the low responsibility, the disposable income, or the fact that your body still looks hot without tracking every morsel of food you eat—just know, you’ve got it goooood, babe. You want to have fun, let loose, and live like the main character? As you should. But, without cramping your style, I feel obligated to remind you: all the fun things in life get you fat, pregnant, or arrested. So, here’s a little wisdom from someone who’s been there—some unwritten rules for being a slutty party girl, without sacrificing any of the fun.

When it comes to casual sex, do it for the plot. And no, the plot is not banging the guy who’s at your local bar every Tuesday… again. It’s not going home with the guy who hit on your sister—the one you and your friends call The Boston Terrier. The plot is hooking up with your friend’s hot cousin. The one who’s visiting from Ireland and has the sexy accent. Let’s be honest, 9 out of 10 times you’ll look back and cringe anyway, so it might as well be a story worth telling.

You can have a drug and/or substance problem without being an addict. If you drink more days a week than you don’t and you can’t drink without getting wasted, you need to reevaluate. In ten years, you won’t believe how many people have died or ended up in recovery.

Never be the last one to leave the bar. When you keep the party going until the sun comes up, it’s usually because you haven’t gotten laid whatever it is you’re looking for. You’re clinging to the hope that the longer you keep things going, the more likely you are to scratch the itch. But trust me—this is a fast track to hang-xiety.

If you’ve got a bad alcohol-induced habit—drunk texting, smoking cigarettes, eating too many cheese fries—and you actually want to kick it, then you can’t drink. Period. If you still want to enjoy cocktails while keeping your dignity intact, don’t save his number, delete the text thread, and avoid the smoking section. But keep the cheese fries. Last I checked, they don’t give you cancer or HPV.

One day, when all your friends have babies and you move out of state, you’ll yearn for just one more night out together. You’ll regret all the time you spent chasing guys who didn’t even like you. Forget the guys and spend your nights out as close to your girlfriends as possible.

When you travel, make an effort to see more than just pool parties and the inside of nightclubs. Otherwise, you’ll end up going to seven bachelorette parties in Miami without ever visiting Wynwood or spending much time on the beach.

You can get over someone by getting under someone else—but only temporarily. The only things that truly heal a breakup are time and rebuilding your confidence.

Keep condoms in your purse, and actually use them. Will he think you’re a slut for carrying condoms? Probably. Will he think you’re a slut for not using one? Definitely. So, if you’re going to hop into bed with a jerkoff, at least do it protected. No excuses.

Lastly, drink more fucking water.

Love,

A retired party girl who wishes she did a few things differently

Marquee Pool Party, Las Vegas 2013

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